There are certain events that happen which seem to split up your life into time periods: Before you were married; After you had kids; BEFORE you had kids; After Grandma died. Events so significant that you just FEEL different because they happened…you notice your life feels strange/better/worse/good/bad/fantastic, and things are not the same and won't ever be again.
Let me tell the story of what happened today.
Both of my girls have constipation issues. It's become a hot topic in our household, and we discuss poo on a regular basis. We celebrate when one girl has success. We were getting worried about little Sophie, but she finally had some success! I was elated! I thought "Finally she went #2, and hopefully her tummy feels better so we'll all get a good night's sleep tonight!" I brought her downstairs one more time before putting her to bed so we could change her diaper and share the news with Daddy. On the way down, I slipped and fell down the stairs...with my little Sophie in my arms. I was fine, but when we checked Sophie, her left leg had a little redness to it. Through tears, hers and mine, we rushed to get out of the house and to the ER. Sophie was x-rayed, and sure enough had a small tibial fracture on her left leg. I was heart broken.
We had a follow up visit with the Orthopedic Pediatrician and she did not end up needing a cast after all (Thank the Lord!) They left the splint that had a bandage wrapped around it, and sent us on our way saying recovery would take 2-3 weeks. Incredibly short! It was the best news I'd had in those last few days. My Sophie would be okay. She's not in pain. She's blowing raspberries, smiling and laughing, and attempting to crawl. She is still herself.
But I feel lost. I feel like I lost that confidence. I have doubt. I doubt my job as a mother. Where once I thought I finally found something that I was pretty good at, I now feel inadequate. It was my fault. It is my job to protect them, and I failed. Not only did I fail, but I failed miserably. I'm sure every Mom goes through some version of this at some point, but not every Mom has a 7 Month old with a fractured leg. I am broken. I will never feel the same about myself, or my job that I'm doing as a mother as a result of today. Before this happened, I was remembering a beautiful first Christmas we had for Sophie, was busy planning my Lucy's 3rd birthday party, shopping for Lucy, and eating way too many cookies. Now everything seems so trivial, and I second guess myself every day. I think about what I could have done differently, if anything. I think about how I can possibly make it up to her. I think about how 10 years from now, Sophie will not remember this, but how I will never forget.
The upside of course…through all of this, the importance of family has really resonated with me. Jay's family took Lucy to stay the night with them while we were at the ER in a heartbeat, fed her breakfast the next morning, and brought us lunch the following day. A Godsend. My parents and sister had some words for me that made me feel so much better in one of my darkest times, and made me feel less judged. And although I thought I was a fairly cautious Mom, I fear I may become a Safety Nazi, which now might not be such a bad thing.
I do know that from now on I will always think of this period in my life as the time AFTER I fell down the stairs and Sophie got hurt. And I will kiss and hug my babies that much more fiercely now.
